‘I Said NO’
On July 30, 2007, I met the man who would change my life
forever. This man wasn’t my
husband-to-be or my first-born child. He
wasn’t the pastor who baptized me either.
The man who changed my life forever was a doctor; more specifically, a
gynecologist. Our first meeting was on
July 30, 2007 in his office in Cincinnati Ohio. From here on out, I will refer to this doctor
as ‘the doctor’. I refer to him in this
way because I didn’t know him – not really.
The reason for this meeting was an enlarged abdomen – enlarged
to the size of a woman six or seven months pregnant. By the time of our meeting, I was forced to
wear maternity clothes. I had no idea
what could be wrong with me but I was scared.
The doctor performed a pelvic exam and told me that my uterus was
prolapsed and asked me if this caused me any problems. I told him that I was aware that my uterus was
prolapsed and that I had no symptoms. He
said that I could be fitted with a pessary if my condition ever became a
problem. Further, he said he didn't know
why my abdomen was enlarged but said he’d order some labs.
I already knew my uterus was prolapsed via my other doctors through
the years, but I’d never had problems or issues. No other doctor ever mentioned my needing to
do anything about it and they didn’t refer to it as a ‘condition’ either. Most women who’ve had children go to their
grave with a prolapsed uterus. That is unless a doctor removes it…
I was deeply attached to my uterus since it was home to all
three of my precious children, but especially my two youngest. My two youngest children, Matthew and Laura,
were abducted from our home in Kentucky by their father during a routine visit
in 1998. He eventually gained full
custody in Texas with the help of a father’s rights judge and my children never
came home again. Even though I carried
Matthew and Laura in my womb and gave birth to them, I don’t know them. They were only one and two at the time they
were taken… I explained to the doctor
that my uterus was all I had left of my children and I told him that feeling it
inside of me gave me great comfort. He
seemed to understand…
I had a couple more visits with the doctor but still he could
not determine why my abdomen was so enlarged.
My labs and other tests all came back normal. In fact, my estrogen level indicated that I was
nowhere near menopause. Near the end of
August, the doctor finally told me that he could perform a laparoscopy on me to
examine my pelvic organs. He said he
could do this in September. I agreed.
I met the doctor on September 25th for a pre-surgery
consultation. He told me that he
imagined my uterus was enlarged as well as prolapsed and, if so, he would need
to remove it for my abdomen to return to its normal size. Reluctantly and after
asking many many questions, I reminded the doctor about Matthew and Laura and
about my determination to hold onto my uterus. But, he assured me that my enlarged abdomen
would most likely require its removal.
When I questioned the doctor about complications, I was assured there would be no
complications. He told me he’s performed
hundreds of hysterectomies. In
hindsight, this statement should have bothered me… I asked if I needed my uterus for physical
reasons and he said "It's a useless bleeding organ for a 46 year old
woman." I asked him about if my
sexuality would be affected and he said "I'm not operating on your
brain". And then he laughed. When he mentioned that he could remove my
ovaries if I wanted him to, I asked "What would I do for hormones if you
took mine?" He said "I'll simply replace what I take away at a cost
of about $15 a month."
We also talked
about the fact that I had a pituitary tumor as a child which had compromised my
endocrine system. Finally, I told the
doctor that I've had too traumatic a life to take a chance on allowing removal
of any organs that didn't need to be removed.
I explained to him that I had taken good care of my one and only body
all of my life and that I wanted to keep it as intact as possible. He seemed to understand. His last words to me that day were "It
would be better to err on the side of caution in your particular case and not
remove the ovaries. If they ever become
a problem, they can always be removed at a later time."
Feeling as if I’d told the doctor how I felt about my body and
life and feeling as if I’d asked all of the important questions, I finally
agreed to allow the doctor to remove my uterus, but ONLY my uterus. The doctor and I signed a surgical consent
for removal of ‘uterus only’. My fiancé
at that time was a witness to our conversation and the signing of the surgical
consent.
Two days later, I arrived at the hospital for surgery and I was
presented with a NEW consent form to sign. The wrong surgery was listed. According to the new consent, all of my
healthy female organs were going to be removed with the exception of my cervix.
I told the nurse that this was not the
surgery I agreed to and I refused to sign the consent. I was especially alarmed about my ovaries
being removed. Further, I told the nurse
that I didn't want to have any surgery unless and until I spoke with the doctor.
The nurse told me she’d find my doctor and let him know I wanted
to speak with him. After she left my
room, another nurse came in and said he was going to give my something to relax
me. I told him I didn't want to be given
any medication because there was a problem with the surgery. I explained that I had not signed the consent
and that I was waiting to talk to the doctor. As I was protesting, he injected my IV with
Versed and I was immediately knocked out. My last waking memory was seeing the nurse
inject my IV. Even though I said “NO”,
the nurse put me to sleep.
My family told me that after I was knocked out, an O.R. nurse
came into my room and told my mother to sign the new consent I had refused to
sign a few minutes earlier. (My mother
wasn’t aware she was signing that consent).
As soon as my mother signed the consent, I was taken to surgery. This all took place within a matter of minutes…
I woke up in recovery. However,
I didn't realize that I’d even been asleep. I thought I was still waiting to speak with
the doctor. I wasn't aware two hours had
passed or that I had had surgery. I
thought only minutes had passed. And, I
thought I was still waiting to speak with the doctor. A nurse I didn't recognize told me that I was
in recovery and that a total hysterectomy had been performed on me. I began crying and asked what organs had been
taken. She said “Everything; you have
nothing left.” I said that I wanted to
die. This is noted in my record. I don’t guess I need to say here that it’s
not normal for a patient to wake up from an ‘elective’ surgery wanting to die. Even though I said “NO”, I was put to sleep
and I was gutted and castrated! I said
“NO”!
From the moment I
woke up in recovery, I knew that I was no longer the woman I had been for the
past 45 years. And, I have not felt like
that woman since… Not only did I not
feel like ‘the woman I had been’, I didn’t feel like ‘a woman’. I instantly lost interest in all things
sexual. This is such a profound loss... I'm not sure I can adequately express this
kind of loss with mere words. This
profound feeling of the loss of my feminine essence and sexuality would be only
the beginning of many losses.
Initially, I was
prescribed Premarin by the doctor who performed the hysterectomy. Premarin is a synthetic hormone which is made
from pregnant mare's urine. It is not in
any way similar to a woman's estrogen.
My body couldn't tolerate it so I began doing my own research and
learned about bioidentical hormones. Eventually,
I made the transition to bioidentical hormones but it wasn’t easy. I first tried an estrogen patch and
progesterone and testosterone creams.
The patch didn’t seem to help me at all and irritated my skin to the
point of making my skin appear burned.
The creams were messy and they didn’t seem to work either. Finally, after changing hormone doctors and
hormone prescriptions several times, I found that bioidentical hormone pellets
worked best for me. They are very
expensive though – approximately $3000 a year.
I began taking compounded estrogen by mouth and estrogen and testosterone
pellets are inserted into my hip every three months.
Hormone replacement
is not without risks but for women who can't produce their own hormones, there
is little choice but to go on HRT if they want to function and stay even
semi-healthy. I also take many
supplements and vitamins since the surgery - especially Calcium and Vitamin D.
I take a special Omega supplement for my dry eyes. I take biotin for my hair, skin and
nails. I also take a Complex B Vitamin,
Zinc, Vitamin C and Magnesium.
Even though I've
been on bioidentical HRT for the past three years or so, I don't feel even
remotely like I did before the hysterectomy.
I have chronic insomnia. Sleep
seems to be a thing of the past. I have
difficulties with memory and concentration.
Other people finish my sentences for me because I lose my concentration and
just can’t seem to grasp the word I’m looking for. This is another profound loss since I used to
teach English and work as a writer.
Everything dried out after surgery; including my skin, nails, hair,
vagina and especially my eyes. I lost a
lot of hair and continue to fight hair loss.
My once healthy beautiful nails are brittle and seem to break for no
reason. Having a dry vagina is painful
and bothersome all the time. I’ve tried
using estrogen creams but they’re expensive ($150 a tube) and they don’t seem
to work.
Possibly the most
troubling of all dryness, I developed severe dry eye disease which is beyond
miserable. It’s debilitating. The cost of caring for my eyes that no longer
have their own natural protective tear/oil film is great; considering time and
money. I've had two corneal ulcers due
to having no ovaries/estrogen and no eye protection. This is a very painful condition and causes
loss of vision. I’m legally blind in my
left eye now. I can no longer see well
enough to drive. I’ve lost a lot of
independence.
There have been
physical changes since the surgery as well.
My pelvic organs have shifted down into the empty space left after
removal of my female organs. Within
eight months of the surgery, I was diagnosed with third degree bladder prolapse
which causes me to have to urinate constantly. This condition alone has very adversely
impacted my life. Chronic constipation
is also an issue now too. I won’t go
into the details here on how I have to manually force stool out of my
body. I endure chronic lower back pain
from the surgery. For the very first
time in my life, I have a problem with weight gain. I have to consciously work at not gaining
weight. Regardless, I’ve gained at least
ten pounds. Belly fat is much more of a
problem since the surgery due to ovary removal. This is really troubling since I already have
an issue with my abdomen being enlarged.
Depression is a
very real and serious consequence of hysterectomy and especially ovary
removal. There are chemical and
biological reasons for this. I have
severe and even suicidal depression since the surgery. I attempted to hang myself five months
post-surgery. I have nerve damage in my
vagina, vaginal walls and lower extremities. There have been times I couldn’t walk and had
to use a wheel chair. I developed thyroid
disease within the first year of ovary removal so I’ll be on thyroid medication
for the rest of my life. The problems
I've encountered with regulation of my body temperature due to thyroid disease
have made hot flashes seem mild in comparison.
I’ve faced a lot of
trauma in my life and from a young age but absolutely nothing has been as
traumatic as coping with the trauma hysterectomy and ovary removal inflicted
into my life. Even worse, I felt so
completely alone; as if I was on an island of doom all by myself. Every time a new health problem reared its
ugly head, doctors would assure me that I was imagining it. Then, they would promptly offer to refer me
to a psychiatrist for antidepressants and therapy. For this reason, I created a blog site and
web site where I wrote about my experiences and about my own research regarding
hysterectomy, hormones, hormone replacement, etc. I wanted other women to know they are so not
alone.
As a result, I've
had many women contact me regarding post-hysterectomy problems. Most women encounter similar problems as those
I’ve outlined above. Although the
problems I’ve outlined above are devastating, I think perhaps one of the most
devastating problems women face is the feeling of being betrayed by their doctor.
Most women trust their doctors and are
completely devastated once they discover the many profound changes that take
place after hysterectomy and ovary removal are well-known to the medical
profession. They don’t understand why
their doctors didn’t tell them.
Anyone interested in
hysterectomy information can find out what I’ve learned about hysterectomy, the
adverse consequences of hysterectomy and the alternatives to hysterectomy via
my web site at www.hysterectomyconsequences.com
I talk a bit more
personally about how I feel about hysterectomy and about what happened to me
via my blog site at www.hysterectomylies.blogspot.com
I recently created
a Facebook site at www.facebook.com/hysterectomyconsequences and I have a Twitter account at www.twitter.com/jiggaz31
I can be reached by
e-mail at robinkarr31@yahoo.com
